When caregivers lose patience: how not to feel like a loser!

I was trying to meditate today (I say trying because it’s so hard for me to sit and be still) and asked myself what I needed to do or consider to move forward in my life. Immediately the word “patience” came to mind.

While I’m not surprised, I found it interesting that once again this concept of patience is still kicking around in my mind and heart. I’ve been around the block a few times and you would think I could get the hang of patience by now.

I know a lot about patience.

As a caregiver, I know about patience. I can have enormous amounts of it when caring for others yet there are times when this allusive emotion begins to slip away from me. I often run out of it and have very little of it for myself. I’ve learned that having patience is a work in progress.

Self-awareness and checking in with my thoughts, feelings, and body tension can save me from waiting until I feel like my hair is on fire to make adjustments in my world to remain patient and calm. I have so much more patience in my tank if I’m rested, eating healthy meals on schedule, have checked in with friends, and practiced self-care.

But there are times when I desperately reach for patience, and I just don’t have any left. I’m tired or overwhelmed and just want everything to be ok, right now. Being able to wait for something to unfold on its own time, having enough empathy for myself or my loved ones, or finding a calm balance is just beyond my reach. I can then become snarky, irritable, and anxious.

At some point we all lose patience.

This happens to the best of us. No matter how hard I try, I am human, and caregiving is the hardest job in the world. Sometimes caregiving can swallow patience up and spit it out.

The biggest challenge of all of it is how I can beat myself up, telling myself I’m a bad person, and a horrible caregiver if I don’t have the patience of a saint all the time. Even when I’m aware of the fact that I’m doing the absolute best I can and that the most loving caregivers in the world can struggle with being patient, I feel guilt and shame. I waste precious time criticizing and judging myself rather than using my energy to regroup, recharge, and start over.

To combat this criticism, I now keep a list of good things I’ve done for my loved ones; memories of victories large and small that I turn my attention to when the judge and jury in my head try to take over. These good things can be anything small like a smile my Mom would give me for a small gesture of love or kindness I showed her or big like the times when I successfully headed a disastrous health care emergency off at the pass.

I horde these positive moments like Polaroids I can shift through, reminding myself of all the goodness I manage to pull off while caring for and serving others. This goodness takes a tremendous amount of work, commitment, and pure love. And I pull it off regularly with intention and an unlimited amount of trying hard.

Being patient with myself is hardest of all.

I may lose patience for numerous reasons and even numerous times.

I am aware I have to continue to work on that and do better. But I also have to be aware that I need to be kind and gentle with myself while I’m working on it. I’ll get better faster when I am armed with compassion for myself. So if I’m impatient at times, it doesn’t negate the general good I do and the difference I make.

So remember when you lose patience, this is simply a message that you are probably done and need to stop, regroup, refresh, then hit the restart button. Do this shamelessly, with appreciation for all the love and effort you put into your caregiving and your life in general. This is the perfect opportunity to give yourself a little extra kindness, understanding, and acceptance. Don’t compound the loss of patience with the negativity of shame. Use your energy to get back to balance by reviewing how wonderful you are and how hard you try. We all lose our patience. Self-love and appreciation helps us find it again.

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It’s Ok and Be Kind to Yourself About it.

 Dear Caregiver Warriors,

As one Caregiver Warrior to another, I offer advice, helpful tips, and strategies based on the experience, strength, and hope I found while surviving my own caregiving journey. It has become my mission to share my stories and the things I learned about being an empowered caregiver. To help spread the word and offer guidance to other caregivers, I have written a new book entitled “Self Care for Caregivers: a practical guide to caring for you while you care for your loved one.”  It’s available at your favorite bookstore. There is even a audio version so you can listen on the go! If you find the book everything you hoped for, please let me know and please leave a review where you purchased the book! Your feedback means the world to me!