What to do when the Caregiving Journey is over

Caregivers face many challenges. Stress, exhaustion, burn out, managing health and disease crisis, heartbreak and worry are just a few of the many demons we face as Caregiver Warriors. These demons are daunting and require vigilance and self-care to manage and survive. Most caregivers learn quickly how to navigate these emotions and while never easy, we find ways to cope.

There is one particular challenge however we don’t often discuss and actually might not even acknowledge. I’m referring to the inevitable way we are thrown off balance after the death of those we care for. Coping with the emptiness, loneliness, and bewilderment that engulfs us after the passing of our loved ones is difficult and unnerving. We are left with grief and loss and the time on our hands to experience all the pain and heartache.

It was so strange for me when my parents died within 7 weeks of each other. My Dad passed first, in his sleep, and my Mom died so soon after from a broken heart. We somehow stumbled through our shock. My sister and I were so busy for the first month or so taking care of everything that I was still on caregiving high speed for a while. Once things settled down I found myself freaked out and lost.

Making the adjustment was a long slow process. I will admit there was relief that they were now out of pain and at rest and peace. My sense of constant worry about them began to lose its grip on me. Yet grief and shock would wash over me. I felt useless and alone.

I talked about my feelings with family and caregiver friends who had also lost loved ones but felt I needed more help. I found a bereavement group in a church rectory that ended up being just what I needed. The group was a handful of wonderful people who were suffering from the loss of their loved ones. I didn’t have to share my feelings (which I did when I needed to) I could just listen. I remember sitting in a comfy wing chair next to an open window, feeling the summer breeze and thinking I could relax and know I would feel better one day. It helped to be around people going through the same thing that I was. Their support and the guidance of a gentle, kind pastor helped ease my sense of meaninglessness and despair.

The most important thing that helped me was being easy on myself, realizing that grief is different for everyone. Grief has its own pace and there is no right way to experience it. I tried to feel my feelings as they arrived and stayed, honoring my right to be off balance and thrown off. I tried to give myself permission as often as I could, to feel out of sorts and lost without a schedule to keep, a crisis to fix and a job to do. I knew I needed time to adjust and reevaluate my life. I wouldn’t bounce right back and everything might be the difference from now on. I gave myself time. I’m still giving myself time and may do so forever.

I have healed certain places and have only just begun healing others. I have gained back my sea legs but find my ship on a new course. I don’t need all the answers. I am being taken care of because I cared for others. I am at peace even if my life is so different now. I share my story because surviving the time after your caregiver journey is over is almost as difficult as the journey itself. But I did survive the aftermath and the world kept turning. I now await the next adventure.

Be gentle with yourself as you walk this new path. It has its own set of challenges and requires self-love and compassion. You will pick your head up along the way and reach new destinations if you are kind to yourself. May you find serenity and self-appreciation and may your new life serve you as well as you served others.