Vulnerability And Caregiving

I had a mini-crisis the other day that left me tossing and turning all night and I ended up with only about 4 hours of sleep. I was going over and over the problem, trying to figure out how to fix it.

When the morning came, I was drained and worried and not sure how I was going to approach everyone involved. I knew I wanted the issue resolved and promised myself I would do everything I could to fix it so I could relax and not have another sleepless night.

I have learned in life that we are all trying to do the best we can, and nobody likes to be reprimanded, talked down to, or be shamed, or blamed. Being honest, transparent, and calm is always, always the best way to go. Getting more bees with honey is my motto.

I added something new to my negotiating style.

I surprised myself by adding another ingredient to the mix around this recent mini-crisis. I added vulnerability. I told everyone in a nice, calm way that I couldn’t sleep because I was so upset, scared, and worried about the issue and if anyone could help me fix the problem by the end of the day I would be so grateful. Although this was the absolute truth, it was quite a bit different for me and my personality. Although I have a good sense of humor and can be really charming, I have a big intimidating personality and I don’t often let anyone see I’m scared and feel helpless.

Being and feeling vulnerable as a caregiver is an interesting dilemma. We feel the urgency to be in control and stand tall and strong when advocating for our loved ones, making them feel we have their backs, and never letting our weaknesses or worry show. However, being nice is one thing, being open and vulnerable is another. It allows people to engage with us on a level that is real and sympathetic and it can move mountains. I believe most of us want to help our fellow humans out and will rise to the occasion when asked.

I’m learning to be less scared of feeling that I need help. I was always surprised when I allowed myself to express my concern or communicate that I was tired or confused about something to my Mom who battled with Dementia. She always softened and encouraged me and never hesitated to reassure me. Even during her last days, when she saw through me and knew I was worried and upset and was too tired and sad to hide it, she soothed me and told me how I had always taken care of her all my life and what a good girl I was.

Vulnerability is not a weakness

Vulnerability is not a weakness. It’s letting go of trying to be perfect, trying to control everything and anybody regards how it affects them. It’s being real and human. I think we need to allow ourselves to be vulnerable more often. It opens us up to an exchange of love and respect and lets people know we feel safe enough to be honest with them. It’s ok not to be ok.

My mini-crisis was solved the very same day I shared my concern with everyone. I actually got a call from the supervisor who said the workers called her and told her she had to help me, that they were worried about me and wanted to get it solved!

Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable is a gift we don’t often open. I’m going to try and remember that every time I have allowed myself to be human and vulnerable whether as a caregiver or in my life in general, great things always happened.