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Self-Care for Caregivers
The ultimate Caregivers guide to resilience, strength, and balance.
Taking Care Of The Active Alcoholic Or Addict
Taking care of active drug addicts and alcoholics can be difficult, infuriating and sad. You want to sympathize with the person who is suffering but want to strangle the part of them that has the disease of addiction. As we all know, caregiving is a strenuous exercise in and of itself and if you add in the chaos associated with dealing with an addict or alcoholic you can have a situation that resembles your worst nightmare. If they are afflicted with a degenerative disease or physical ailment their access to the drug or drink of choice eventually will go away and the actual high will not be there. However, without any treatment or recovery from their disease of addiction, they will remain “dry drunk” and can still act out and hold onto the personality traits of an addict or alcoholic. I don’t want to get into too much depth about trying to find a cure for the addict or alcoholic because I am probably preaching to the choir and it’s never my job to diagnose anyone. Please know, however, help is just a phone call or email away. There are so many wonderful programs and professionals out there. Getting clean and sober is a decision only your loved ones can make but if that time does come, help is there. My main concern here is the family, friends and Caregiver Warriors of those addicted. There is wonderful help and assistance for you too whether the alcoholic or addict is still drinking/high or not. I have personally taken care of a terminally ill family member who is a drug addict. I have taken full advantage of any and all support groups I can and there are many wonderful organizations out there for family and friends of the alcoholic and addict. By attending meetings of those groups and organizations I have gotten great support and learned how to take care of myself so can I begin to respond to things around me with patience and serenity. The hardest thing for me to face was the utter irresponsibility of the addict and the constant desire to be high no matter what the circumstances are. Because they are not really present in their lives or have a clear sober take on things it’s extremely difficult to plan anything or depend on them. They are accountable but not responsible. By that I mean they can’t help the fact that they are addicts. It’s my personal opinion that addiction is a disease. However, they are accountable for their behavior which often times is sporadic, erratic, self-destructive, self-sabotaging and inappropriate. Having said this, the very nature of their disease makes it really hard for them to show up and be accountable even though I truly believe they would like to. They really can’t see that their behavior is so infuriating and find it hard to understand why we get so frustrated. They aren’t even aware of how difficult is it to be around them sometimes. We have to remember that the addict can change but also has a disease that is debilitating. The times I was most comfortable and calm dealing with the addict was when I accepted them for who they are and had no expectations about them or their behavior. As things unfolded I just tried to be kind to both of us by constantly asking myself “How important is it?” when they acted out or become uncooperative. I had to let go of expectations that things were going to go according to my plan. With an addict, the only thing that goes according to plan is that it’s inevitable that things will be completely different from how I plan them! Surprise is the flavor if the day. It’s amazing how these wonderful people we care deeply about can end up making an easy situation so hard because they are in LaLa land. As hard as it is, try and have compassion for the addict. Remember that even though they are high they are suffering not only from the disease of alcoholism but the added pain of their physical ailments and limitations. Physical sickness is never an excuse to abuse alcohol or drugs but we must consider how awful they must feel in general. Never ever take anything they say or do personally. What they say or do has nothing to do with us. Even if they direct their anger or discomfort at us, we must know we are doing the absolute best for them at all times and they are just letting off steam. They don’t realize what they are saying or doing. Blaming everyone else is symptomatic of the disease of alcoholism. They are always the victim. Don’t plug into this. Don’t argue or engage. Just try to move on and never take the blame for any of this. You can’t cure it, you didn’t cause it, and you can’t control it. What you can do is get educated about this disease just as you would for any other disease. Armed with information about the symptoms and behaviors of addiction you will be less frustrated and more understanding. Above all be patient with both your loved one and yourself. If you can remain calm and forgiving and have no expectations you can deal with the day as it comes along and make the best of it. Try and believe they can’t help it and the person you love is in there somewhere. You can love the person and hate the disease. Finally, please reach out to someone and share your experience and frustration. You are not alone and you are not crazy. Sharing your feelings with someone else especially someone who is having the same experience will give you extraordinary relief. Find a support group or professional therapist or family member or friend and talk to them. You are only as sick as your secrets. Do not do this alone. You are there for your loved one. Let someone be there for you.
This was helpful. My alcoholic mother lives with me. And I have 2 alcoholic sisters, and 1 addicted to prescription drugs. I am the oldest…and do not do those things. I’ve been dealing with this for yrs. How I’m still sane is beyond me.
God bless you Debbie! You are a true Caregiver Warrior. Caregiving is never easy, but when our loved ones are alcoholic and those around us are addicts too, every thing is so much harder and more chaotic! I give you so much credit for all you do. I hope you have other friends or family that appreciate and support you that you can turn to and that you are treating yourself with the same patience and compassion you obviously have for your Mom. I know how hard this all is and you inspire me. My prayers and thoughts are with you!
I read your comment and my heart goes out you. I hope you are going to alanon. I swear it saved my life. I’m living with my active alcoholic husband. It’s hard but I don’t enable him and do my best to have my own life too. God bless and keep you in His care.
I agree Donna! Alanon is a life saver. I would be lost with out it!
My mother was sober for almost 20 years. My mother lost her husband ( my step dad) a year ago and she started drinking again. I refuse to buy her alcohol but my sister is a willing participant.
My mom has been an alcoholic since I was a baby. Those soner years gave us a chance to make amends.
I believe my mom has always been clinically depressed. I know she is. But, she has refused mental help her whole life. It’s been a complete disservice to deny her depression and medicate with alcohol.
These people need help to live beautiful lives. Not free passes to kill themselves and their caregivers.
I am so sorry to hear this heartbreaking story that you are so brave to share. Watching someone you love struggle with the disease of alcoholism is so challenging and painful. I know this pain all too well myself. I found twelve step programs especially alanon which is for families and friends of alcoholics truly helpful. I also believe your Mom now has what we call a sober reference since she has lived sober for 20 years and that can help her tremendously to find her way back. Sadly, you cannot change your sister or your Mom, but you are a true Caregiver Warrior and need to take good care of yourself. Please know you are not alone and I am praying for and thinking of you. Much love.
Hi my name is Bonnie
I have been around this bush so many times it’s not funny anymore. Watching my husband go in and out of seizures 3 + times just woundering if this is his last.
Falling out of chairs hitting his head and more sezures..
How can I possible go to work and leave him in this state
Does anyone know of income that we the caregiver can apply for to be the full time care giver
Medicaid has a program where you can become the certified caretaker and they will pay you
Bonnie! Thanks for that great tip. More people should know about this!
Bonnie, I’m hoping you saw that Medicare has a program where you can become a certified caregiver and they pay you. I also know their are various Veterans groups that support the caregivers of vets. Also, I was able to get members of our local church to help me. I’m thinking of you in this struggle to care for him. Please keep us posted!
So this my first attempt to be there for an addict in my family. It started with my sister, who is 9 yrs. older than me. I watched her going in and out of rehabs what seems like most of my life. Than I discovered my ex-husband, the father of my children, was using almost all of the 10 yrs. we were together and I didn’t even know until like a year before our marriage ended. I couldn’t help either one of them. Since then I have raised my kids and married a recovering alcoholic who will be 10 yrs. sober this February and we have decided to try and help my sister’s 28 year old son get clean because his mom, being an addict herself couldn’t help him and he’s been in and out of prison. We want to help but my past experience has shown me that I have no reason to think I can. My husband was successful but he says it’s only because he knew he was done with it all when he started turning his life around and we can’t possibly know that’s where my nephew’s at because he’s so good at telling people what they want to hear. Everything I read tells me I’m not a professional so I can’t help him but the “professionals” aren’t spending quality time getting to the root of the problem. They’re just giving him medication. I just don’t want to miss out on that moment when he has finally had enough but has no help to find his way out. Am I fooling myself into believing I might make a difference or is it possible that I can help him? Before you answer please know I’m not trying to make up for the past. I know that I couldn’t help my sister or my ex-husband but I won’t deny how desperately I wanted to so does this still make me co-dependent?
Thank you so much for sharing what you are going through. In my personal experience, first as a recovering alcoholic (I’m clean and sober 33 years) and then watching alcoholics and addicts that I love, it’s my humble opinion that the only one who can help the addict or alcoholic is themselves. We can be there as support when we are needed but no one can make the journey to sobriety for them. It’s an inside job and there are so many resources available if they really want to get help. Especially if they know they have loving families like yours waiting for them on the other side. No one could make me get sober until I was ready. And if you ask how I did it I will tell you I don’t know but a power greater than me helped along when I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. 12 Step programs saved my life both as an alcoholic and as someone who loved alcoholics. Alanon is an amazing program for those of us who live with and love alcoholics. It really helped me understand how to love and support myself as I loved the alcoholic. While it’s inappropriate for me to go into the details, perhaps you could check those programs out. I can hear the love you have for these alcoholics in your life and hope you understand that until they seek to help themselves, no one can help them. You have done and continue to do everything you can by trying to figure out what they need. They however, must figure it out for themselves first. Again, this is just my own experience, strength and hope and it is all I know. I am so sorry because I know first hand how upsetting this is. But you are reaching out and sharing and that’s very powerful. Hang in there. More will be revealed. My thoughts are with you.
Hi. I totally understand what all of you must have gone through and are going through. To all of you, I admire your strenght and resilience.
I am married to an alcoholic. I joined an Al-Anon group a couple of years back, but for a few reasons the group became inactive and I felt like I lost my support. I went to an AA meeting to try to understand what my alcoholic husband is feeling and thinking. We moved to a different country a year ago, with the hope that he’d start the effort of getting sober easier than where were. I told him that if we didn’t move, he would die early because of the alcohol. A few months after we moved to this new country, he hang out with his fellow countrymen (also expats like us) and they showed him all the bars that he hadn’t know idea existed. He goes on a top-three week binge drinking every couple of months. And I feel really alone. I have been trying to reach out to the Al-Anon in this city to no avail. I even contacted Al-Anon in the US to let me know where I can go on a meeting. I have contacted AA in this city, but also no responses. I am really tired now. I have unlearned what I learned at Al-Anon and I feel like a crazy woman trying to stay sane. I know that I put myself in this situation, so I shouldn’t blame the alcoholic. I am so fed up with everything, now I have started blaming him. I am tired of him saying nasty things to me when he is drunk, and for the past year even when he is not drunk when he is craving alcohol but feels annoyed that he has to not touch alcohol,he says terrible things about me and my family. A few months ago when he was drunk, he got really aggressive and kicked me really hard. I was on the floor begging him till stop, but he was like a possessed person, he wouldn’t stop. I finally got up on my feer and told him that I would call the police. He’d thrown cups at me, slapped me on the face, and still I want to help him sober up. I have thrown things at him too, and hit him a couple of times myself .I am sick too, I need help. At the moment I don’t know where to get help and I feel like I am drowning slowly, and I’m afraid. I need help. Tonight is the Chinese New Year’s eve, he is drunk as a skunk, and I am alone at Starbucks trying to calm myself. My family is having a get together, and I am not invited because of him. I miss getting together with my family and friends. I miss having normal catchups with my friends. I want to feel happy again, and only I can make myself happy. I feel lost.
I’m so sorry you feel lost and understand that feeling. I have found the global alanon phone meetings extremely helpful when I travel or can’t get to a face to face meeting. They can be found online and have free dial in numbers. As I’m sure you know, it’s great when we can keep the focus on ourselves and as caregivers and in life in general, when we practise self care and love and make sure we take care of ourselves, everything gets easier. My thoughts and prayers are with you. You are not alone.
If it is any help, Al-anon UK still use Zoom meetings and welcome many people form around the World…
Many thanks! Alanon is a wonderful 12 Step program.
After the tragedy of my experience dealing with an addict has played out, all I can say is that I feel all the online commentary I find/found, all the staying, the caring, the enabling, the skewed perspective you get reading this stuff – is just another way to reinforce that your life is sacrifice to the addict and you just have to accept that. So, if you stay, understand that is what you are doing. My advice is to run. Run away from this person. I was caregiver to an addict for years. In the end I saw something happening to myself I was getting concerned about – episodes of paranoia when I would leave work to go home, extreme avoidance strategies to the point when ultimately I needed to be “on point and “save the day” – call 9-1-1, I didn’t. I have seen him fall out so many time, go unconscious so many time – I didn’t call 9-1-1. Turns out he had decided to upgrade from alcohol and the things I knew he did to IV heroin. I should have called 9-1-1 and now I am the bad guy. Run. Leave them to their own devices. If you don’t, then you are sacrificing yourself to them and their completely self-absorbed and selfish perspective of the world. Save yourself as soon as you possibly can – THAT is what all these blogs should be telling you and for some reason they continue to uphold your responsibility for the addict’s life. If you don’t leave, you WILL BE SORRY THAT YOU DIDN’T.
I’m so sorry that you had to go through the agony of caring for an addict. Being a recovering addict ( I’m clean and sober for over 30 years) and loving and caring for addicts that never found their way home I can relate to everything you say and are going through. Being a member of 12 Step programs for friends and families of alcoholics and addicts, I have seen people who “detach with an ax” and people who can or try to “detach with love”. Everyone has their own story but the journey is the same. Keeping the focus on ourselves instead of the addict can truly help us get clear on what we are responsible for, which is our behavior only. I do know in my case that my loved one who was unable to get clean, made decisions that cost her her life. As devastating as that was, I am clear on the fact that she had her own plan and nothing I did or didn’t do made a difference in her fulfilling that plan. I do know she knew I loved her and in that, I find great serenity because that was really the only thing I could do and had control over. I am thinking of you and want you to know I think you are an amazing Caregiver Warrior.
My loved one has been battling alcoholism for 26 years and I have been there with her every step of the way. The story, reading the threads above, is an all-too-familiar one – multiple hospital trips(seizures, falls,broken bones), DUI charges and countless awful episodes. I have found that the best advice is to focus on yourself and your health(in all its dimensions) if flight is not an option. Talk therapy is good, either/and or one–on-one or in an Al-Anon group setting. Exercise regularly. Laugh. Meditate and pray. Try to understand. Be grateful. Write for recovery. Keep connected – this disease isolates everyone from one another and may be a principal determinant of mental distress. People aren’t meant to be alone – but, this disease sets the stage for incredible loneliness and withdrawal from the company of others. Stay sober and avoid the temptation to follow the loved one down the rabbit hole.
Oh Richard, you are a true Caregiver Warrior! Your advice is a great recipe for success and serenity in the throes of such an insidious disease, which can be heartbreaking. Isolation is a killer. You are so right in suggesting to keep connected. It’s a life line. My thoughts and prayers are with you!
I personally feel like my daughter will have to find a way to be self sufficient. I don’t care if it is a supposed disease or not… She is capable of it, my grandmother was able to care for herself in her 90’s in a wheelchair with health problems and being blind. I am simply not enabling this idea that you are not able to care for you own self and be self-sufficient, just because you have an diseases…. People have other disease and learn to mange it and care for their own selves, every day…. I also am not accepting bad treatment. I feel she needs to be responsible for her behavior and is capable of being kind to people for Christ Sake’s.
I know how frustrating it is to care for those who can’t manage to help themselves. Al-anon which is a 12 Step program for family and friends of alcoholics and drug addicted helped me immensely. It didn’t change my loved one but it helped me make changes that were important for me.
My husband has alcohol dependency, since the past 12 years; due to this so many incidents and troubles have come in our lives; he lost his job in the past due to this, he had to be taken to hospital emergency from office due to being frozen in office, innumerable fights we had and still have, my that time 5 years old son was left all alone crying with no food and safety while he was stoned when I had to do office trips etc etc. He has his days of highs and his lows. At times a for a week or so he will be sober and then for days at a stretch he will go out alone, drink, sleep, wake up again go out alone, drink, sleep and the pattern continues. I am never able to identify the trigger. If I dont let him go out alone or try to stop him in any way then all his anger comes down to me and I become the root cause for his alcoholism etc etc. Initially I used to take everything he says personally, but with time and on studying articles I realized no external person can be the cause we are just used as excuses. Our 7 years old son now has started understanding everything and my fear is this is impacting his life. I feel very helpless sincehe is in denial and never agrees that he has alcohol dependency. My only option I feel is to leave him and walk out but I know if I do so my husband’s life will be doomed. So I am trying my best to lead this pathetic life and bearing everything , just so helpless that cannt give my son a normal life.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am so sorry your life is so effected by alcoholism. It’s a terrible disease and effects everyone involved. I know from my own personal experience that I gained so much help for myself in a 12 step program called Alanon. It’s is a support group for people whose lives are affected by alcohol, whether the alcoholic is drinking or not. I went to the meetings thinking I could fix the alcoholic (which I cant’t) and found amazing ways to help myself. You can find phone and zoom meetings online. I know for me, I too thought I had no choices but found out that was not the case and there was help and support to change my life. Please know you are not alone. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Curious what the elderly, homebound alcoholic who lives alone does when the paid caregiver stops bringing in the drink? Would a 76 year old actually go to rehab or is it unrealistic to suggest it? Is it compassionate to support the disease or what other options are there? Obviously she could ask someone else to get her alcohol but she’s not got a lot of connections.
This is such a difficult situation. As I don’T know everyone who is involved, I would be remiss in offering my opinion or advice. However, I do know personally that recovery from alcoholism is a highly personal journey. I would hope that family and friends would gather around and support their loved one in this journey. If possible, I always found that getting professional help in this type of situation is highly recommended and truly helpful. I would work with the agency or professionals involved as much as possible. I’m thinking of you all and send much love and hope.
Thank you for your response.
Thank you for connecting. It helps all of us!