My Mom, who had been diagnosed with Dementia, was leaning up against the sink in the bathroom, her soapy hands under running water. I was reaching around her trying to gently use a nail brush to clean under her nails; she just had another accident and her hands and nails were a mess.
I was desperate to finish the job before she lost her patience and would resist my efforts. We were both tired and frustrated. She decided she was done, but I tried to coax her to be still for a little while longer. When she became agitated, I tried more coaxing. So she used a new tactic: she bit me.
I was so shocked and angry I was afraid I was going to start screaming at her or worse, bite her back. I did yell out in surprise and pain (my pride, ego, and heart hurt more than the actual bite) but with the grace of a power greater than myself I backed away, grabbed the towel I had waiting, handed it to her and left the room.
I had taken the right route and the high road, and when I went back to her after a few moments she was sitting in front of the TV watching a cowboy movie (her favorite) as though nothing had happened.
But something very important had happened; not the bite, but my reaction to it. I was shaken to the core with the power of the rage that had exploded in me. I realized how much anger I had built up and how quickly I was in a very scary and dangerous frame of mind. I needed to take a long hard look at my feelings, come up with a way to help myself manage this anger and begin some radical self-care. I had seen the anger monster and it had my face on it.
We can’t avoid being angry; it is a natural byproduct of life on life’s terms. Most caregivers experience feeling angry and frustrated on a daily basis, but they usually don’t understand that anger and frustration are a normal part of life and caregiving. So sadly, caregivers often do not acknowledge their right to be angry, and when they do experience it either try to stuff it or deny and ignore it. The danger is not in the actual experience of the emotion but the power of that emotion when ignored or unchecked.
Anger happens. It’s ok. It’s normal. What’s not normal is ignoring it, letting it get the upper hand and feeling bad about it. Anger cannot always be avoided but it can be managed.
Here are three smart ways caregivers can manage their anger. Learning to process and manage anger is a must have tool for caregiver’s survival.
- HALT: Take your emotional temperature all day every day
Taking a moment at various points of the day to see what and how you are feeling is extremely important. I call this taking your emotional temperature. Asking yourself if you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired (HALT) allows you to stop and evaluate your state of mind and body and take care of yourself if you answer yes to any of the questions.
For instance, you can grab a healthy meal or snack if you are hungry; if you notice you feel angry, you can acknowledge your anger and permit yourself some down time to breathe and treat yourself kindly; if you are lonely, reach out and connect with someone; and if you’re tired and weary, you can rest and take a much-needed break.
These acts of self-care help prevent and alleviate the buildup of stress and anger that can turn into a pressure cooker of emotions waiting to explode.
2. Reach out to let off steam
If I had a nickel for every time I felt almost instant relief when I made a phone call to a friend when I was desperate and anxious I would be a very rich lady!
The very act of reaching out to talk to someone rather than keeping it all bottled up and in our heads helps us to release tension and stress. Having someone sympathize or even just listen can validate our feelings, helping us to process them in a positive way. We feel less isolated and crazy. Getting our feelings out into the air instead of stuffing them in where they can fester and explode without warning can greatly reduce the instances of explosive anger and frustration. We gain a much better perspective sometimes just by saying things out loud.
3. Forgive yourself.
Go easy on yourself. No one is perfect. We are all human and everyone makes mistakes. Life is a complicated process and caregivers are especially vulnerable to the emotional side effects of caring for others. The caregiver journey is demanding, overwhelming and intense; emotions run high.
If you do lose your temper, take a break and chalk it up to being human. While it is never healthy to let our emotions run wild, unchecked and uncensored, it’s not unusual that caregivers feel a wide range of strong emotions during the day. I was often in tears or had steam coming out of my ears on a daily basis. However, beating ourselves for having these understandable and normal emotions and reactions adds insult to injury and stops us from processing these emotions in a positive healthy way. Give yourself a break. Learn to forgive yourself for being human, and give yourself permission to feel your feelings. Feeling angry is part of the territory. Feeling bad about feeling angry is self-destructive and damaging. Hit the restart button and let go of the guilt. Everything is a growth opportunity and you get better at anger management with practice.
When my Mom bit me I was tired, upset, frustrated, angry at the world and worn out. I wasn’t even aware I had so much anger inside, and I wasn’t taking care of myself or managing my needs properly. I had let myself down by not being aware I was hurting and paid the price. The good news is that this experience made me see I was just as responsible for my state of mind and body as I was for my Mom’s.
Self-care and awareness is the ultimate weapon for managing anger and stress. This includes checking on your needs, reaching out to family and friends and most importantly, compassionately allowing yourself to be human.
How do you manage your caregiver anger? Everyone has their own way of coping with frustration and anger, and I’d love to hear your wisdom and strategies.
This article was originally published with Sixty and Me. Check out this motivational and exciting website
When I was still caring for my husband (PD) at home, he became angry and hit me then told Home Health Care I hit him. I was angry at him for that but I realized I was also angry at myself because I couldn’t give him the care he needed any longer. He’s living at a skilled nursing facility now and I spend Sat & Sun with him. He’s well-cared for and we enjoy all the time we spend together now. A very hard decision but the only one for us.
Making such a difficult but necessary decision is so painful. It causes us to put the well being others before ours and takes great love. You inspire me. The fact that he is safe and warm and you are able to spent quality time with him is wonderful.
It’s beautiful that you can identify your anger at yourself and was able make the decision that’s best for both of you. Thankfully, it’s working well for both of you. Good luck in the future. 🙂
I am at the beginning of a caregiving journey. My dad has dementia, my mom is handicapped. Until just a month ago my dad had been mom’s caregiver for years. Dad fell and hit his head recently causing a brain bleed. His once mild dementia is now worse. My sister and I now hurled instantly into taking care of two parents while trying to work jobs and maintain relationships with our spouses. Everything is so strained. It doesn’t help that I don’t sleep. I know I shouldn’t lay awake worrying but I simply cannot turn off my brain. The biggest issue is that my parent’s finances are not in order. Dad can’t mentally handle decisions and mom is so overwhelmed with her handicap and his inability to be there for her now. I just feel like everything fell apart. I’m going to try and take your advice and take it one day at a time but boy it’s going to take Jesus helping me with that, because I certainly can’t do this alone! Your advice on anger helps too. I can’t seem to please my mom. She criticizes how I help her. My heart breaks for her situation and yet sometimes she makes me so mad! I don’t know how to be kind without being a doormat. I’m a mess!
Debbi, I’m so sorry for all you are going through. I too felt completely shocked when I began caring for my parents. It’s so good you are reaching out and sharing what you are feeling. I know for me finding other categivers, caregiver groups and family and friends I trust and can lean on really helped me so I didn’t feel so alone and crazy! Just by showing up and doing the best you can is most of the battle. Then taking care of yourself as kindly as you do your parents will cover the rest. Hang in there, I promise you will find your balance and you will look back and feel so good about the loving care you gave them. You inspire me with your courage.
Susanne , I so appreciate you words if encouragement. It does help to talk to someone who has been there. Your blog is a great way to reach out to people like me. I literally don’t have a spare moment to do the things I used to like visiting with a friend over a cup of coffee or going to the gym with my husband. I have to figure out a way to bring some of those things back into my life for my own sanity. I do need to take care of myself and I need to figure out what that looks like practically. Thanks again!
I know how hard it is! I pray you get a few mini vacations like that cuppa with a friend or even a walk around the block or sitting on a bench in the sunshine. Man do you deserve it! God bless!
I completely agree with Susanne. Finding a support group can alleviate a lot of the pressure that you’re feeling right now. Take comfort in the fact that things always work out for the best. Good luck! Find your balance and strength.
Yes! Things really do work out for the best even though that’s hard to believe right now! You are not alone!
I’m currently taking care of my husband who had a fall severe head trauma spinal stenosis and Parkinson’s. Had spinal surgery 8/7 and after that life changed. I’m basically doing everything but he appreciates nothing. I take him to PT three days week all appointments. The comments are brutal and the way he rides me about something and won’t stop. Well he has really be doing for two days non stop and I exploded today I said things I shouldn’t have but I lost it. I feel bad but my overall feeling body wise feels great. I know he won’t forgive me but I just need to know how I continue.
Kim , I know how darn hard it is to take care of someone who uses shame and blame and anger to cope with what they are going through inside. My Mom was very similar. It’s tough. I found when I was able to step back and see she was just so frightened and angry and it had nothing to do with me it was easier to take. I also felt better when I was talking about it to other people and they were supporting me and let me know they understood how hard it was. It made me feel less alone and crazy. I too have lost my temper and while it wasn’t always the best thing to do, I did it, I apologized, then I let it go. I don’t have to over explain or feel guilty about it. I needed to do whatever I could to get relief for my tension and stress so I was more balanced. The more I didn’t take it personally the better I reacted. Hey progress not perfection, right? Good luck and God bless you for being so caring even though he makes it so tough! It’s why I call you a Caregiver WARRIOR!
Hi I’m a caregiver and it is not easy but I love what I’m doing,,it is demanding and sometimes frustrating. Some of our patients got dementia and the mind does not always work so well,,u tell them don’t and the do the thing u said don’t. And some godt alzheimer and boy it’s tough. U get angry cause according to u they don’t listen but the mind doesn’t work normal.
Yes, Donita. It’s so hard and frustrating sometimes. It can be really tough. Thank you for for reminding us to be patient and understanding with dementia patients. I’m so happy you have chosen to be a Caregiver Warrior. Those you care for are blessed!
My grandmother needs to get a caregiver soon. She has some memory problems and can be hard to take care of. Also, I liked that you explained that it would be smart to find some who has good control over their frustration. https://homecare.lifelinenursing.net/personal-care-assistant/
Yes, compassion and patience are critical for the best care. I wish you all the luck in the world finding the perfect person. I know you will find them!