How Validating Instead Of Fixing Those You Love Makes You A Better Caregiver

I have spent my entire life trying to fix everyone else. It kills me to see anyone sad or hurt or upset. I want to rush in and make it all better. While my intention is really caring and well-meaning, my best efforts are not always wanted or needed. Sometimes people just want me to listen so they can be heard. They want to feel their feelings without someone trying to fix them.

When I try and fix everything I miss an important opportunity. 

When I rush in trying to make it all go away, I’m missing an opportunity to give people what they really need which is validation. They want to feel supported and understood. When I listen without the need to make it all go away, I’m telling them that what they are feeling is valid and not something they need to change, hide or find immediate answers for.

I was still the kid.

While caring for both of my parents, my first inclination was to rescue them immediately.  I loved them dearly and thought it was my mission and job as their caregiver to make sure they were safe and sound. Yet my concern and worry for them, when I let it get out of control, hurt them and made them feel insignificant, incapable and disrespected. They never wanted to feel like they needed rescuing nor did they want their child to see them failing. No matter what the situation was, I was still the kid.

My parents felt respected and heard.

Learning to listen and not try to fix, be patient and not rescue, and to wait until I was asked for feedback or help was extremely difficult to get used to. It took quite a bit of restraint and self-control. However, the result of the effort made everyone feel better. They began to feel like they were being heard, acknowledged and respected. By allowing them to feel validated, I left their dignity intact and they were not afraid to let me know what was really going on. It made the difficulty of our role reversal a little easier to swallow for all of us. Communication improved and we relaxed more with each other.

Being validated and having a witness is really what everyone needs regardless of the issue.  When we support those we love by accepting who they are and what they are experiencing with understanding and compassion we are really there for them. Instead of rushing in to fix something, listen and win. Those you love and care for will feel so much better and so will you!