Don’t Write People Off!

I discovered that I could write my parents off as elderly, sick or incapable more often than I wanted to admit. I was doing the exact same thing doctors, nurses, and hospitals did when they see seniors: assume they are less vital, less full of life, or unable to contribute to the world around them. I would be infuriated that people would look at my parents or watch my Mom after she was diagnosed with Dementia, then judge them assuming they were senile, weak, incapable or even not important. Yet, on occasion, I would have low expectations about my Mom’s ability to interact or assume my Dad wasn’t up to speed. Thankfully, both of my parents would set me straight. My Dad would actually tell me he was insulted that I would try and take control of things he was completely capable of doing himself. My Mom would completely surprise me time and time again when out of the blue she would critique my efforts or share her opinion on a wide range of subjects. She was constantly forcing me to let go of my preconceived notion of her disease and her ability to cope with it. Her stubborn and courageous fight to maintain her normal relationship to life was inspirational. It’s so easy to have preconceived notions or ideas about people especially as they get older. I had a lot to learn about myself and my initial reaction to my parents aging and especially my Mom’s dementia. People are individuals and possess miraculous abilities to re-define themselves. By having a preconceived notion of how they will or should act does them a huge disservice. We rob people of their chance to live a fulfilled, dignified life when we assume they have nothing left to contribute and force them to behave the way we expect them to. They feel us write them off, and they feel it in the way we treat them. By assuming we know how they feel and what they are capable of we act differently towards them, missing authentic and special time with them. We also risk insulting them at best and adding to their depression or anxiety at worst. I believe we all need to re-think the way we act and communicate. Don’t assume anything about anyone and treat others the way we wish to be treated. As for writing people off, just as we wouldn’t want someone to do it to us, we should refuse to do it to others. When I approached my Mom without expectation and allowed her to respond the way she wanted she often became engaged and happy. If she couldn’t or wouldn’t be engaged that was her choice, not mine, and that seems far more appropriate. The first step towards change is awareness. Being aware of my own bias and setting a power of example by treating everyone with respect for their potential rather than putting them in a box helps to change the world a little at a time. Please join me in the wonder of being with those we love and care for without expectations. There’s nothing like being with someone who feels safe to be who they are.