Caregivers! Stop Suffering in Silence. It’s Dangerous!

Caregivers are built to serve. We can withstand hurricane-level disruption, Herculean challenges, the worst scenarios imaginable and heartache beyond our wildest nightmares. We are dedicated to protecting and ensuring the health and well being of those we care for.

More often than not, this commitment takes a toll on us that is overpowering and all-consuming. Sadly, most of us respond to this price we pay, quietly and in silence. After all, this is not about us, is it? The cost is most certainly worth it if those we love and care for feel better, safer, more comfortable. Our job is to give to others, not take for ourselves.

Caregivers suffer in silence. It hurts everyone they come in contact with.

This rationale and the almost universal tendency of caregivers to suffer in silence, disregarding our own needs, wants and suffering is not only dangerous to our well being, in the long run, it also threatens those we care for. It hurts everyone involved. The damage done to us contaminates and weakens our ability to be there for others.

I struggled with this issue constantly until I hit a wall of burnout. I had no idea anything was wrong with me until I felt like a mac truck hit me, causing my head and body to erupt in pain, panic, and fatigue. I was so busy concentrating on the needs of my parents that I refused to contemplate the fears, discomfort, and exhaustion I was feeling. I had no time for my needs or feelings so I shoved them to the side or stuffed them. I disregarded warning signals because this wasn’t about me, this was about them. My feelings were irrelevant, selfish and unwarranted. I needed to be strong, resilient and courageous no matter what was happening. Being powerful, unrelenting and my parents’ champion was my job. Being a wimp had no place in my life. My human reactions and emotions were signs of failure.

Stuffing my feelings headed me right into burnout.

That is until I broke down. I was suddenly overwhelmed with confusion, dread, and panic. I felt guilty and all of sudden unable to carry on. I had suffered in silence and it almost killed me. I felt devastated because it was as though I was staring failure right in the face. I somehow equated being giving and caring for others with being careless with myself.

If I had learned one thing in my life up to that point it was the value and necessity of communication. I will discuss anything with anybody. We are all great expounders in my family and I had learned to take that inherited trait and use it to search for truth. Why I hadn’t used this life long habit to communicate my caregiver truth is beyond me. I will chalk it up to the feeling so many of us have that talking about my feelings and needs as a caregiver was something I was not entitled to nor deserved.

Reaching out saved my life.

Burnout leveled the playing field and I used the only thing I knew to save the game. I reached out to talk about what I was feeling. My life changed instantly. I found love and support from another caregiver. I was not alone, crazy or a bad caregiver. I had just fallen into the trap so many of us fall into. By suffering in silence, stuffing my feelings and standing alone I had come dangerously close to the edge of the cliff. Reaching out, opening up and connecting with someone else pulled me safely back to safe ground. I sat there for quite a while but got back up again vowing I would never let my silence strangle me again.

Don’t be a near casualty like I was. Don’t wait until the weight of the world on your shoulders threatens to bring you down to your knees and crush you. Suffering in silence is a risky decision. Nothing makes you more vulnerable to the dangers of caregiver burnout than silence. Connection, communication, and self-caring are the beacons of light that will guide you to physical and emotional safety.

We all need to feel heard and validated.

You need to know and understand that what you are feeling and thinking is completely normal, legitimate and experienced by so many others. You need to be validated. You need to truly understand you are like so many of us, tired, scared and confused. There is power in knowing you are not alone. And strength in sharing that with others. When we connect and communicate we help each other. Those who speak and those who listen. It is a circle of giving and reminds us all that we have chosen the right path and we can travel it together. It helps those who speak find hope and those who listen be reminded of the faith that got them through the rough places in the road. It helps us hit the reset button. It clears our minds and opens a window in our hearts. Being open and vulnerable breaks through the fear and loneliness and lets us find our strength again. If you want to go fast go alone. If you want to go far go together.

So silence be damned. Don’t be a victim or a martyr. Don’t suffer in silence. Connect and communicate and control the rest of your journey. Because when you are centered, calm and grounded you are giving those you love and care for a better you. One that can be healthy, strong and resilient. That’s what you both really need.