Caregiver Despair and how to cope with it

I remember so well the despair I felt as a caregiver. I would lay awake at night, inconsolable, my mind racing and my heart aching. Everything felt like it was closing in on me and waves of fear, pain, and dread would wash over me. Even though I told myself I would feel better in the morning, darkness covered both the inside and outside my soul.

Despair would also come in flashes during the day when I would slow down enough for it to hit me suddenly or it would be triggered by something like a new health crisis for either of my parents. Despair seemed to be waiting in the wings to hover over me and cut my legs out from under me.

I pray this happened only to me but sadly I know so many Caregivers out there can relate to my story. Despair comes with the territory and is a constant threat. We must be strong and resilient to push it away and push through it. Sitting with it even though it was painful instead of fighting it, shortened the length of time despair held it’s grip on me. Here is what I learned as I struggled to shake off this awful feeling.

1. There’s nothing wrong with me

For some reason, whenever I would wallow in despair, I felt as though I “shouldn’t” be feeling it. I was either weak or doing something wrong to make myself feel awful. It was mind-blowing when I realized I was actually beating myself up for feeling such an understandable, human feeling. The last thing I needed was to take on the blame for feeling despair. When I spoke to someone else about what I was feeling, they helped me see that I had every reason in the world to feel overwhelmed and sad. There is nothing wrong with feeling despair and nothing wrong with us. We can never heal or move out of despair if we think it’s our fault. 

2. Share it with someone

When I shared how I was feeling with friends, family, and my therapist I was able to see I was blaming myself. Seeing my state of mind and broken heart through the eyes of others made all the difference in the world. Saying the things that I was thinking out loud to someone else exposed my negative self-criticism. It took the edge off and I was given a completely different perspective. My trusted crew reassured me that I had every reason to be upset and scared, that I was handling it beautifully, they had my back and it was going to be alright. I really needed to hear that.

3. Just because I feel bad doesn’t mean I am bad

So often when we are hit with sadness, despair or depression we feel like there is something wrong with us. This negative, judgmental self-talk is so cruel and dangerous. Just because we feel bad, we are not bad people. There is absolutely nothing wrong with us. We all feel down sometimes and caregiving is an intense, exhausting and painful experience. We are not failures nor are we weak. We are brave and strong. These feelings are normal and completely appropriate for the difficult and challenging situation we find ourselves in. We must honor ourselves and get help working through them.

Please know you are not alone in feeling despair. Most Caregiver Warriors at some point have shed tears and had sleepless nights. Get help coping when you feel down or upset or you feel like your back is to the wall. Talk to someone and let them know you are hurting. They want to know and they will help. As I always say, even Wonder Woman has to hang up her cape sometime. Please give yourself the love and support you need during sad, scary times. It won’t stop those feelings from hitting you from time to time but when you reach out for help you are allowing relief and healing to come your way too.

Share your story in the comments below about how you cope at times like these. You are an inspiration!