Why Be Miserable?

I distinctly remember driving on the Jersey Turnpike during my commute to my parent’s house, thinking how awful I felt. I was exhausted, scared, and frustrated. My 90-mile drive had become a time for reflection and review and that particular day I was at my wit’s end or so I thought. I felt boxed in, trapped in a life I didn’t want and didn’t know how to handle, worried about the health of my parents and what the future held and overwhelmed by my responsibilities as their caregiver. I was having a terrible conversation with myself. I was marching in the self-pity parade and felt miserable. I wanted a way out. I wanted to go back to my life before caregiving. I wanted to run away. 

After going over and over stuff in my head, the reality of the situation hit me. I wasn’t going to quit; in my heart, I knew I wanted to care for them. But I had hit a wall. Where could I turn? How could I make this work? What did I need to do to feel better? 

Suddenly I realized I could be miserable or I could have a journey. I knew what it was like to be miserable. I felt that way most of the time. Suppose I turned that around and began to see what this all had to teach me. By having a journey, I could look at the path my life was taking as a once in a lifetime experience and use it to get to know myself and my parents. I could sit on the bus with curiosity, take a ride and open my eyes to the scenery passing in front of me instead of crawling into a ball of misery going over and over how bad everything was. I could be miserable or I could have the journey of my life. 

Right then and there I decided to have a journey and squeeze it for all it was worth. I had a basket of nuclear-sized lemons at my feet and damn it I would figure out how to make lemonade. My parents were not going to be with me forever and I had this extraordinary chance to heal and grow my relationship with them in a way I would never have imagined possible. 

Making this commitment shifted something in my heart. The sky didn’t open and things didn’t change immediately. I was still exhausted, scared and frustrated. But I wasn’t bringing myself down onto my knees and then rolling around in self-pity, shame or self-criticism. I could be angry at God and still have faith. 

Working really hard to remain present and grateful every day, my attitude slowly took a turn for the better. Which then caused my world to become less ugly and unbearable. Which then caused my reactions to challenges and situations less negative. Which then actually changed my life. 

When I woke up with my normal dread and fear I would give myself a moment to find things I was grateful for and things I could look forward to. My Dad always said that as long as he woke up on the right side of the grass he was doing great. Being grateful that the grass was the right side for him for yet another day was reason enough for me to bless the morning. I was being given precious time with the two most important people in my life. Gratitude helped my attitude and escorted me on this journey I wanted to be awake for.

I am grateful for the choice I made and my ability to make it. Choosing to be present and accountable for my caregiving journey as opposed to being miserable was single-handedly one of the biggest and best choices of my lifetime. I was rewarded on so many levels and was allowed a sense of peace and fulfillment I only dreamed about. The gifts of my journey are still unfolding years later, even with both of my parents good and that particular caregiving journey ended.

I hope you too can see through the challenges that caregiving brings to you and decide to have a journey filled with curiosity and one you can appreciate and be grateful for. It will be one of the hardest yet most rewarding decisions you will make. I promise there will be no regrets. You will be blessed with a sense of wonder and self-appreciation second to none. It will be difficult but filled with wonder instead of misery. It will change your life.