What To Do When Someone You Love Has Dementia

When someone you love has been diagnosed with dementia, life as you know it disappears. A heartbreaking new normal fill the void it leaves behind. I’m not sure if I suffered more when I heard my Moms diagnoses or when I gradually watched her decline into the darkness of her symptoms. I remember being scared out of my wits, angry beyond words and being engulfed in a sadness I’ve never felt before or after.
Losing the Mom I knew was devastating. It was so difficult watching her slip away right before my eyes. I had to do everything I could to help my Mom and find relief for myself. I want to share a few of things that helped me.
Knowledge
Knowledge is power for me. I always ask a million questions and search for as much information I can find. I learned so much from talking to doctors, nurses, therapists, other caregivers, and associations that specialized in Alzheimer’s and Dementia. Understanding what happens to the brain and what to expect in general even though every person is unique, helped me tremendously. It not only explained so many things to me, but I also wasn’t as caught off guard when something new happened. One of the most important analogies I heard was that as the disease progressed, it’s as though the memory is being destroyed backward and the patient goes backward in time. They go from being an adult to a younger adult, then a teenager, then a child and so on. This is an extremely simplified explanation, but it helped me understand why people begin to get stuck in past or begin to focus on memories in their younger years or childhood. Being prepared and having the proper information helped me tremendously.
Acceptance
Accepting the new normal was extremely hard. Surrendering to the fact that my Mom was changing and becoming a stranger proved really painful and felt impossible. I was losing the woman and Mom I knew. I sat in a state of denial for an awhile as she seemed like herself most of the time but as she got worse I had to face the fact that she was changing. I was forced to accept that things would never be the same. I had to adjust and accept who she was in the moment not who she was in my memory. When I was able to accept that she was always doing the best she could even though it was completely different from what I was used to, I think we both relaxed. My expectations changed and I learned to live in the moment. Acceptance, as difficult as it was, helped me stop fighting the inevitable and let me battle against things I could control.
Awareness
The heartache, fear, and sadness I was experiencing caring for my Mom weren’t easy for me to feel or even understand. I pushed down a lot of feelings. I felt I had to ignore my feelings so I could take care of everyone else. This became a dangerous habit and caused me to become irritable and unreasonable without even knowing it. I became an emotional pressure cooker. I would burn out. When I searched for relief I realized that the secret to managing my stress was self-awareness. By being aware of what I was feeling, I could get help. I could prevent or lessen an explosion of anger or the feeling of dread, depression or anxiety. I could head those reactions off at the pass. Taking my emotion temperature daily help me survive all the emotional turmoil I had building up inside. My emotions were understandable and valid but only if I addressed them could I begin to feel better.
Alzheimer’s and Dementia are destructive, horrible diseases. Watching someone you love slowly drown in their waters is so painful. Giving yourself permission to feel and be aware of your feelings, becoming educated, trying to find peace in acceptance and doing everything possible to offset the damage we experience as we look on, can make the journey a little easier. I hope this blog helps a bit to lighten the load you are carrying and the pain you are experiencing. You are not alone. I am with you in spirit and pray for peace and serenity to find you and your loved ones.