I Worried I Was A Bad Caregiver!

I remember thinking, “Am I a bad caregiver?” Even though I made a commitment to take care of my Mom I wasn’t ready or prepared to do so. I was scared out of my wits not only of the responsibility but of my Mom. She wanted nothing to do with me or my help. Her initial reaction was horrible. I can still see her screaming at me in the kitchen to go home because she didn’t want my help. I had no business interfering! I had no choice, I had to hang in there. I was so upset and really uncomfortable. My parents really needed my assistance and while my Dad was completely on board my Mom’s resistance was really hard to take.  I knew I had no choice, I had to hang in there, but I questioned my capability. Maybe she was right and I wouldn’t be much help at all. There was so much I didn’t know. I didn’t know at the time that we would all settle in. I didn’t know that I was coming in too heavy and hard because I was so nervous and worried about them. I didn’t know that my Mom’s dementia and her fear and worry made her angrier. I didn’t know how to handle the emotional explosions that I had experienced as I child in a new adult way so I could give her the care she needed. I didn’t know I would have the strength of a warrior. I didn’t know or understand that strength grew in being vulnerable and open. I didn’t know that empathy was my biggest weapon and self-care my salvation. Fast forward to another memory of being in that same kitchen a year or so later and my Mom and I were both dancing to a Dr. John tape I had dug up because my Mom loved him. I was the one who had introduced him to her years earlier because she loved the blues. It was one of those exhilarating moments caregivers have when their loved ones seem to throw dementia aside and are able to truly engage in life before the darkness descends again. I had found a bridge to my Mom and ran over it to her with arms wide open. She felt my love for her and I was blessed to see her love for me. I would question myself. During the intense, brutal, exhilarating, devastating, joyful caregiving journey I had with my Mom, I would question my abilities. When things were bad, I wondered if I was bad. If things were good, I would breathe a sigh of relief and consider myself adequate. Finally, I began to realize and understand that just because the circumstances might be bad, it didn’t mean I was bad. If things got messy or people got upset or conditions worsened or God forbid I made a mistake, it didn’t mean I was an awful person or bad caregiver. It meant things weren’t perfect, life on life’s terms happened, and I was human. Nothing was wrong with me. I was wasting precious time and energy trying to be perfect and worrying about what others thought of me. I wasn’t listening to the quiet voice inside telling me I was always acting out of love. I was always showing up trying to do my best to care for and serve others. That I was enough. There is no such thing as a bad caregiver. Was I a bad caregiver? There is no such thing. Caregivers, by simple definition, are angels on earth making the world a better place. I was a good girl, a great daughter, and a terrific caregiver. The greatest act of caregiving is being your own personal cheerleader. The next time self-doubt kicks in, ignore it. Suit up, show up and know you are the best you can be today. You are a Caregiver Warrior!!