Gifts Of Caregiving – Part 3: Healing Relationships

When we take care of family members quite often there is old, historical baggage we bring to the table and our relationships leave much to be desired. When I chose to take care of my Mom, I took for granted it was going to difficult because she was uncomfortable accepting help and the last person she wanted help from was me. We had never seen eye to eye, and our relationship was rocky, to begin with. I expected world war three, which is exactly what I got in the beginning. Since I thought my relationship with my Mom would never change, the last thing I expected was to be given the chance to heal a relationship that had daunted me my entire life. Why would our relationship ever be any different now? I knew I wanted to be more understanding and compassionate but I was at a loss. She kept pushing my buttons and I couldn’t figure out how to make my buttons any smaller. It wasn’t until I began to see her change so drastically with Dementia that something shifted in me. I began to feel an empathy and compassion for her I never had before. Here was someone so strong with such a big personality becoming so small, frightened and frail. The Mom I knew was slipping away and I was losing someone I loved deeply in spite of our differences. I finally got it that my time was running out.

Forgiveness acts like a mirror.

Years of resentment and arguing fell away and allowed me a forgiveness that was miraculous. And the beauty of forgiveness is that it gets reflected back to us and changes everything. I began to see my Mom in a new light, understanding and relating to her in a completely different way. She too felt the change and because I became soft, she became soft. We reached across the divide and found a common ground of love and caring. This extraordinary gift of healing that caregiving brought to me has affected everything in my life and allows me to look back on my time with my Mom with fond memories. I signed up to care for her out of duty and a sense of what’s right and ended up having our relationship healed in such a way that I was able to enjoy precious time with her. I became the daughter I wanted and needed to be who appreciated the woman she was; a Mom trying desperately to do her best.

I walked away with a sense of peace.

I always encourage people to care for their loved ones because the gifts we receive and the way we receive them is astonishing. The unexpected outcomes are beyond anything they tell you. If you show up you might just find an amazing journey, filled with little miracles along the way. I showed up because I felt I had to, but in the end, walked away far richer with a sense of peace that I never thought possible. I had no idea that walking through the challenges of caregiving my parents would be the best thing I would ever do in my life. I am ever grateful I took this path. As hard as it was, I gained so much more than I lost and gifts I never expected to receive.