The Truth About Self Care: It’s Not All Bubble Baths and Yoga Pants.

I’ve been a Caregiver for over 2 decades. I’ve cared for both my parents and various other family members who have been diagnosed with dementia, heart disease, cirrhosis of the liver, and chronic bronchiectasis lung disease.

Needless to say, I have been there, done that, ate the popcorn, and have the t-shirt.

I’ve hit every roadblock and hit every burnout wall imaginable. I’ve made mistakes, had spectacular success, and navigated outrageous challenges in between.

I’ve learned the hard way that focusing only on those I care for and ignoring my own care will leave me in a dumpster of distress. When I’m only focused on them and out of focus on me, disaster is just around the corner, every day.

So, I’ve learned to prioritize myself when I can, and self-care is the key to helping me do that. I love the saying, “It works if you work it, so work it, you’re worth it”.

Yet my relationship with self-care is complicated and like many caregivers, I find it difficult at times to invest in my well-being when I am in the throws of caregiving challenges or crises. Even when our hair is on fire we might try and run away from the very thing that could put the fire out. So many times when people have approached me (most times without being asked) about making sure I “do some self-care” I feel like I have pins in my eyes.

My internal dialogue in response (which I rarely say out loud ) goes something like this: “Can’t you see I’m busy right now making sure my loved one doesn’t throw up, miss their meds, hurt themselves, or bleed to death because they are on blood thinners and what do you mean that procedure we had last week isn’t covered??!”

Self-care, as much as I endorse it, encourage it, and yes implement it, is usually the last thing on my mind and quite frankly the last thing I want to hear about or take care of. And that’s the truth about it. Self-care can be a pain in the ash can. It can be hard to manage and hard to do.

So, here is a friendly nudge to you Caregiver Warriors out there (and me) to get over ourselves and get on the self-care bus before it leaves us behind, lost, stranded, and in trouble. Let’s consider the following suggestions when we find it close to impossible to practice self-care and eye-rolling seems to be our immediate response.

1. It works for Pete’s sake.

Come on, we all know when we engage in self-care and take a little time for ourselves, everything feels better. It never fails. Feeling guilty about prioritizing us is just a bunch of baloney. My loved ones LOVE when I do stuff for me. A) because THEY feel guilty  B) they genuinely want me to take care of myself because luckily, they love me, and  C) I’m a nicer person when I take care of myself!

Being rested, fed, calmer, and more patient is a much better version of me than Nurse Ratched (google One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest).

Self-care is effective because it helps us hit the restart button and the best part is the more we do it the better we get at it.

2. You would make time for them.

Hey, if you had to suddenly take them to the ER this afternoon, you would make it happen. Where would you get the time? Magically that perfect plan you had in place for the day would suddenly be torn up and thrown away and your butt would be right there in that plastic chair in that freezing ER room waiting for your loved one’s name to be called. So…you do know how to find the time when you need to. So find some of that time for YOU.

3. It does not have to be a yoga retreat to Costa Rica.

Come on. There are ten small things you would love to do if “only my life was different”, right? Well, your life isn’t different unless you make it so.

You don’t have to book a two-week vacation to do something nice for yourself.

Keep it simple. Have the cookie. Go outside. Smell. The roses, the ocean, the fresh air, horse poop (that one works for me…horse poop is like perfume to me, IYKYK). Breathe. Watch that movie no one likes but you or with the one person who gets you and who turned you on to it in the first place. Call someone who makes milk run out of your nose when you laugh. Close your eyes for 5 minutes and daydream about something you love to do. Put some great music on. Pet your pet.

Sometimes the smallest little gesture of self-love reaps the biggest rewards. It helps us cherish ourselves a little and that’s a lot.

4. What other people think of you is none of your business.

It’s no one’s business when, if, how you take a break. Their opinion does not matter when it comes to what type of caregiver you are and how you navigate your journey. If you need to take some time to recharge, it’s not up for discussion. You know in your heart of hearts (and you should listen to its quiet voice) when you need to take a break or walk away or reach out to someone so just do it. How and when you do self-care is completely your decision and up to you.

On the other hand, your people probably do have your best interest at heart when they hound you to take care of you. They love you and you probably look like beetle juice right now. So love them for caring, promise them, (and mean it) that you will figure something out, and then tell them you’ll get back to them because you appreciate their concern but a hot bubble bath is not a thing right now.

That doesn’t mean you should ignore the soundness of the advice. They are usually right, you always need me time as a caregiver, and maybe if you try some self-care reasonably soon you might avoid slamming into that caregiver burnout wall at 150 miles per hour.

Listen, I get it. It’s tough to think about anything other than the safety and well-being of that life you hold in your hands, but babe, you’re gripping on so hard that no one can breathe, especially those you care for. It’s hurting both of you.

Loosen up, and even maybe dare I say it, let go for a minute. Look up, look around, and do ONE SMALL THING that makes you smile, even laugh out loud, and gives you 5 minutes of relief. Make that phone call, have an ugly cry, or watch a cat video. Do you but do it. I know it’s hard, I know it’s scary but trust me the carousel will still be spinning when you get back to it and hey you get a new horse this time.

Do us all a favor. Give in. Self-care is here to stay, and yikes thank God.

If you liked this blog, you’ll love this one!

What to Do When Self Care Doesn’t Feel Good!

 Dear Caregiver Warriors,

As one Caregiver Warrior to another, I offer advice, helpful tips, and strategies based on the experience, strength, and hope I found while surviving my own caregiving journey. It has become my mission to share my stories and the things I learned about being an empowered caregiver. To help spread the word and offer guidance to other caregivers, I have written a new book entitled “Self Care for Caregivers: a practical guide to caring for you while you care for your loved one.”  It’s available at your favorite bookstore. There is even a audio version so you can listen on the go! If you find the book everything you hoped for, please let me know and please leave a review where you purchased the book! Your feedback means the world to me!