The Church Spaghetti Dinner and How I learned to Hear My Mom When She Wasn’t Talking

I was stressed as always but feeling pretty good about the fact that both my parents were beautifully dressed and happy as I pulled the car up right by the side door to the church basement. Friends were waiting inside at a ringside table at the church spaghetti dinner, hosted and cooked by one Father Anthony!

My Dad always looked forward to social situations and my Mom had picked up on his enthusiasm and since she loved her church and Father Anthony she agreed to go. She was in a stage of dementia at this point where she struggled with many things but once she was out and about, surrounded by loved ones, she seemed to be comfortable and was so happy to join in the festivities.

Our dear family friend Buddy (an angel on earth who I leaned on constantly) and my Dad helped me get my Mom inside and I went to park the car. When I arrived at the festivities, my parents were sitting together with all their friends, my Dad chatting away and my Mom sitting next to her best friend (another angel on earth) taking it all in.

We sat and socialized for a bit, then I went to get the famous spaghetti for my Mom and Dad. After serving them I returned to the line to get my own dinner. When I returned to the table and sat down I glanced at my Mom and could see she was frozen in place with a look of panic on her face. I gently asked her if she was ok to which she, of course, replied: “yes”.

Obviously, she wasn’t ok and struggling. She was in a state of anxiety and feeling overwhelmed. She wasn’t able to put it into words, or even know at this point how to alert me or tell me what was going on.

I took a deep breath and said: “do you want to go home?” She looked at me and quickly said: “yes”. Her little face relaxed a little but she was still in the state of discomfort. I decided right then and there to take to her. I quietly told the table that Mom wasn’t feeling well and we would be going. I told my Dad he could stay and his friends would drop him off on their way home.

I won’t tell you I wasn’t frustrated or disappointed that I wouldn’t be getting a little downtime with friends and some bolognese sauce. It felt like the outing was a wash and a complete waste of time and energy and now I would have to escort my mom back home minutes after I had just sat down.

What I will tell you is that I felt a tremendous sense of relief that I caught on to my Mom’s fear and panic and was present enough to see that she was silently telling me she was overwhelmed and needed help.

I felt proud that I was tuned in to her and we were on the same page even if she couldn’t get in touch with or communicate her feelings to me verbally. It struck me that she would be telling me so much in the future without words and I needed to really pay attention.

We need to acknowledge that there are so many different ways our loved ones speak to us and so many things they want to say. By truly listening with all our senses, including our intuition, and assuming they always have something to say, we can stay in touch and understand what they may be trying to tell us, or what they may be feeling.

I missed the spaghetti but learned a powerful lesson that day about communication, attention and being present. It was well worth the trip, as short as it was, to understand that because I was attentive  and open, I was able to hear my Mom tell me the dinner was overwelming and get her back home where she felt safe and calm. My Mom still had lots to tell me, and if I truly listened, I would hear very word.

If you liked this blog, you’ll love this one! Remember sharing is caring and I so appreciate your support!

When caregivers lose patience: how not to feel like a loser!

Dear Caregiver Warriors,

As one Caregiver Warrior to another, I offer advice, helpful tips, and strategies based on the experience, strength, and hope I found while surviving my own caregiving journey. It has become my mission to share my stories and the things I learned about being an empowered caregiver. To help spread the word and offer guidance to other caregivers, I have written a new book entitled “Self Care for Caregivers: a practical guide to caring for you while you care for your loved one.”  It’s available at your favorite bookstore. There is even a audio version so you can listen on the go! If you find the book everything you hoped for, please let me know and please leave a review where you purchased the book! Your feedback means the world to me!