The Art of Being Soft: Top 4 Tips for Caregivers to Apply the Powerful Tool of Softness

I love horses. I had always wanted to ride when I was a kid, but I was born with two extras ribs in my neck area and my Mom worried about the risks so I rarely got the chance. When I did I was in heaven. There is a picture of me when I was about 8, sitting on a pony and I’m beaming. I don’t remember the occasion but I can feel the emotion of that smile.

Later in life, my sister enrolled her daughter in horseback riding lessons at a local barn and she began riding herself. Since I was now an adult and my own person, I decided I would fulfill my dream and asked her to book me a horseback riding lesson for my next visit. She did and I found myself on top of a horse! I was hooked.

I love being a Cowgirl!

I began researching and reading as much as possible about horses and horsemanship. I stumbled across a brilliant teacher by the name of Mark Rashid and attended some of his horsemanship clinics. What he taught me about horses and human relationships I carry to this day. I found his fundamental concept of applying “softness” to horses and everything in our lives inspirational. I  found this concept extremely useful as a Caregiver Warrior.

Being soft can be a powerful tool.

Softness has to do with being aware of those around us; being sensitive, listening, and feeling for the energy and expression of others. As Mark says, “It’s not about what we do that starts us on the path to softness, but rather, it’s what we don’t do.”

This magnificent approach not only helped me with the horses in my life but granted me the ability to be more patient, gentle, and kind to my parents, especially my Mom who was diagnosed with dementia. By bringing softness into my repertoire of behavior I became more sensitive to my responses and the responses of those around me. I’d like to share some of the areas I tried to be “soft in” as I cared for my Mom and Dad.

Tone of voice

A calm, gentle, loving tone of voice is an important part of “softness”. It’s not so much what we say but how we say it. We can be saying the sweetest, nicest words but if we say them with a snarl or meantone the words are meaningless and the sentiment of negativity is what gets communicated and what the recipient hears. I noticed this with my Mom. She didn’t always understand my words, but she most certainly understood if I was speaking to her softly, respectfully, and lovingly. She always responded positively when I was trying to communicate my love, concern, and appreciation by speaking gently, positively, and kindly.

 Touch

All of us appreciate a gentle, soft touch. We can lose sight of this when we have to guide, lift, support or move those we care for. When we are abrupt, rough (due to schedule or immediacy rather than on purpose) or too fast it’s can so disconcerting and scary. So slow, gentle soft touch is always preferred and soothing. Being aware of this and constantly trying to remain soft and gentle no matter what the situation was paid off for me and helped keep my parents feel safe and calm.

Body language 

I can get so anxious. My shoulders go up around my ears, my stomach starts to ache, my breathing gets shallow and I look like I’m wired up to spring out at something. I have to pay attention to my body and do whatever I can to loosen up, lower my shoulders, and take a more relaxed stance. Body language is a real language and we communicate so many things with our body. When I’m rigid and uptight I’m scary, and when I’m relaxed and loose I appear open and safe. Looking soft communicates soft.

Attitude

Being balanced and open is the perfect way to have a willing heart and a soft attitude. For so much of my life, my need to control everything so I felt safe caused me to be abrupt, unrelenting, ridged, and uncompromising. This often frightened those around me (which I never intended) and made my Mom feel unsafe as her world turned upside down with Dementia. It took soul searching and practice but when I strove for a more relaxed, easy-breezy, let go and let God attitude I was able to possess a much more loving, and understanding attitude with my Mom. My innate compassion and kindness were easier to express and everyone benefited. The secret to walking around with a soft demeanor is lots of deep breathing, being grateful, tapping into our faith and hope, and recognizing that life is so short and today maybe the last day we spend with those we love. Don’t be scared into needing to control everything. Let go of the steering wheel and look around at the scenery. You only pass this way once.

I hope these ideas offer some solace and help. I so often think of how great my relationships with all living things are when I can be soft and balanced. With all the stress we face daily, being soft takes commitment and hard work. The benefits, however, far out weight the effort and in the long run, help to take the edge off that stress. It’s harder to worry and be anxious when those we love and care for are more relaxed and comfortable. We can help them be more comfortable because we are more present, open, and most importantly, soft.

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Watch Your Tone!