How to Ask for Help

I am a control freak. I like to do it all on my own. It’s how I survived when I was a kid with a control freak Mom. I’m aware of it and I work on it, learning to let go and let others help me and even take over. I delegate now. I have accepted the fact that my way is not always the best way and even if it is (ha!) I can actually get more done and have a better outcome by working with people who approach things differently.

 Perhaps the biggest lesson I’ve learned is that I’m not Wonder Woman and if I insist on doing everything myself I can do some pretty serious damage to myself and those around me both emotionally and physically. My stubborn refusal to seek help from others can have awful consequences.

 I was made acutely aware of this when I became my parent’s caregiver. It became apparent pretty quickly that I couldn’t do the job alone and this control freak, lone wolf place I get stuck in had to be fixed or at least addressed on even a deeper level, and fast.

 So for those of you that have the same issue or tendency to want to do it all yourself, your way, with no help and realize you are in a danger zone because of it, here are a few things to consider that helped me get over myself and my inability to ask for help. 

 1. Change your thinking about this!

Look, I know how hard this is for some of us. We think reaching out to others can make us vulnerable. We think we will be viewed as incapable or even bad people if we can’t do it all alone. We feel like we have failed if we seek help from someone else. It feels safer to stay self-sufficient and not dependent on anyone. Take it from someone who has been here, this is crazy thinking. We are not meant to function in our lives alone. We are built to be social beings and interact with others. Socialization is a necessity for survival and studies show that socializing is critical for a healthy mind and body. Reaching out for help is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of courage, maturity, and self-care. It doesn’t make us incapable or bad, it makes us stronger and braver. Being human is not a bad thing, it’s a normal thing. We wouldn’t hesitate to help someone else out, so why are we so hesitant to do for ourselves something we would do for others? When someone needs us do we think they are bad or weak? No, we just think they might need or want help and we will there for them. We need to think as kindly about ourselves as we do others.

 2. Start out asking help with small things.

Don’t sit poolside, dip your toe into the water. You don’t have to ask for help with the big stuff right off the bat, ask for help with little things. Make a list of some things that would make your life easier if you could have someone else do them. Learning to delegate was easier for me when I took some smaller, simple tasks that were just too draining for me and asked someone I trusted to help. When I asked them to help with some of these specific tasks they jumped at the chance and low and behold it felt great to have these things off my plate. On top of that, they were so happy to be able to give me a break. As I did this more and more and felt not only the relief but saw how pleased and happy they were to oblige, I got better at letting go and the need to do it all myself.

3. Talk to someone!

Picking up the phone became my go-to release valve. Discussing what I was going through, and admitting the fact that I had such a hard asking for help and giving up control, was a game changer for me. I chose people who loved me and supported me to reach out to and the results were amazing. I began to treat myself to sometimes daily calls to people who really wanted to connect with me and let them know what was really going on. Often they would just listen but many times they would offer to help in ways I didn’t even consider. Soon I had a team of people who would really back me up and I could always count on. 

4. Say Yes!

Here’s the final magic trick to getting or asking for help. When someone offers to help say Yes! Just say Yes! Go for it! You can always say no tomorrow but be brave today and say yes when someone asks if they can help. Then refer to that list you made or ask them what they can offer. The more you practice the easier it becomes.

 I know for so many of us this process of letting our defenses down can be painful and scary. The irony is that our false sense of control and the need to do it all alone is isolating and self-defeating. We can’t really control anything and trying to do all alone is dangerous. Life and caregiving take a village. Do yourself and those you care for a huge favor. Ask for help. You will be shocked at how wonderful it can be!