Caregiving Forward

It wasn’t until recently that I realized my Mom and Dad set a shining example for me to follow as a caregiver. I was reflecting on my own story of caring for them, which made me think about their relationship. Suddenly I was able to see their story in a completely different light.

It began shortly after the end of WWII. My dad came back from war seriously wounded. My mom and dad knew each other as high school friends and when he returned home my mom said they were drawn to each other because of their mutual loss and pain.

I remember hearing stories about how they would go out to restaurants or lounges (bars) and he would drink and not talk to her for hours. She would just sit with him. He was limping and using a cane and she helped and supported him physically and emotionally until he felt ready to try and resume a normal life. She took care of him.

My mother told me once that they fell in love from sharing a mutual pain. She had lost her first love in maneuvers during the war, and he had lost so many buddies and probably part of himself. She nursed him back to life and fell in love in the process. They were married for over 60 years and had an extremely strong bond. I often wondered if it grew from those early times together.

I had always known their story but suddenly the intensity of her caregiving journey with my dad at such a young age took on a whole new meaning. I began to see her through the eyes of one caregiver to another.

When it was obvious that my mom was falling into the throes of dementia my dad hunkered down and began taking care of her. He opted for open heart surgery at the age of 87 so he could live longer to take of and be with her. It was only when he became sick himself, facing caregiver burnout and fatigue that he asked for my help. Of course, I said yes immediately.

This act of love and commitment on all of our parts was automatic and unconditional. Now I realize their power of example over the years allowed me to take on the enormous responsibility of caring for them without even a thought. It’s what we do as caregivers. We show up and we carry on.

My dear friend Buddy (who helped me with my parents and saved my life at least once a week) had a very simple and beautiful philosophy. He always said because you were kind enough to take care of someone, somebody will always turn up to take care of you. I believe this. I’ve seen this happen time after time. Just when I was desperate and in need, the perfect person or aide or helper showed up. Sometimes out of nowhere.

So I guess when my mom and dad took care of each other they were scoring angel points and I showed up to claim them. The torch was passed to me and although the journey was treacherous and hard, I walked a path they had shown me and received gifts that changed my life. Caregivers are angels walking on earth and I’m proud to be in the company of two of the greatest ones of all time. My parents paid their caregiving forward to me and I’m honored I was chosen.