Caregiver Survival and Joy for the Holidays

I wrote this blog some time ago around the Holidays. It still rings so true for me, so I would like to share it with you again. Enjoy!

I recently passed by my childhood home on Thanksgiving. Looking at the front door of that house caused memories to come flooding back to me of the winter wonderland my Mom created every Christmas. The living room, dining room, and staircase were covered in garland and twinkling lights, and the tree was always magnificent. Every room in the house was decorated, even in my room next to my Beatles posters. I’m sure there were times she struggled to make Christmas ends meet but my Mom always turned out the best decorations ever and we were never aware of it. My Dad would moan and groan about all the work, but I think he too, really loved the show of it all.

One of my earliest memories of my Dad was working with him to decorate our front door together. I can still see my dad cutting a big sheet of paper to cover the front door to make it look like a Christmas present. I held the edge for him and watched him focus on the cutting as if it was a direct order from Santa. I’ll bet anything he had positioned a spotlight outside to shine on the door as he would continue to do in all the years following no matter what door design he would come up with. Walking out the front door with that spotlight in my face year after year at Christmas is something I can see and feel as though it was yesterday. I would give anything now to be walking out their front door to the glare of that spotlight.

Needless to say, Christmas was always a big deal. As my parents grew older, their parents passed and our lives moved forward, my sister took over the holidays and began having them at her house in Florida. We would all fly there to celebrate. My sister was blessed with a great sense of style and outdid herself making everything as wonderful as could be. The adjustment from Mom orchestrating the festivities to my sister went really well. I know my sis felt the pressure to make the transition smooth. Our Mom was never easy to please, and she hated getting older and not being able to do everything herself, but we ended up having many holidays together at my sister’s where all my parents had to do was show up and enjoy.

As my parents’ health declined and they were no longer able to travel, the last few Christmas’ became my responsibility to organize in their new senior apartment. Then I too felt the pressure to do it up properly. I used their decorations and did everything I could to make it festive and happy, and we all worked really hard to show up and make everything appear normal.

For the first few years, my mom was able to direct the decoration process. Putting up the manger especially made her happy. It was a long, drawn-out process while we arranged all of the animals to be in just the right positions. I was able to be patient and we had a lovely time. She insisted there was one little lamb missing (which I couldn’t find) but I was able to soothe her by saying I would look later until I found it. Of course, she forgot about it. Much to my surprise after my Mom passed and my sister and I were going through the decorations, gathering the manger pieces to re-pack, guess what I found? The tiniest little lamb that my mom was insisting was missing. It was hidden in the tissue paper way in the corner of the box. It was yet another reminder that we must never write off our loved ones, assuming their memories may be incorrect or that they have lost the capacity to engage in life. My mom continuously surprised me just when I thought I understood how far her disease had progressed. She was always proving me wrong.

As I reflect back on these memories I’m reminded that self-care was critical for me during the Holidays. Here are a few things to consider during this magical and sometimes stressful time. I hope they can help you enjoy your loved ones and family and make your celebrations joyful and easy.

Go where it’s warm and fuzzy.

I am blessed with a family that made sure they traveled to be with my parents at the holidays. I would find as the time drew near that I was worried about what my sister would think of the provisions I had made and how she would judge the state of my parents under my care. Sadly this is a normal reaction to the situation and in no way reflected my relationship with my sister. I happen to have the best sis ever. However, I still worried like my sister did that the holidays would not be special enough and that my caregiving abilities would be in question. I think so many Caregiver Warriors second guess the amazing job they do and the holidays can be breeding grounds for added pressure and stress.

The daily care you have been providing all year can be underscored by family members who, due to guilt that they are not supportive the rest of the year, or perhaps seeing their loved ones declining health or mental state for the first time in a while, say or do things that seem to criticize or demean the wonderful job you are doing.

Do not take this personally, and try not to second guess yourself. Make sure you have insulated yourself from this by surrounding yourself with warm and fuzzy family members or friends who do understand all you do and support and appreciate you. Turn to them for a reality check.

Stop trying to make it perfect.

The last two Christmas’ with my parents I got gift cards for everyone and told my mom all the presents were taken care of and she didn’t have to worry about it. It took the pressure off so I wasn’t running around using precious time trying to buy gifts for everyone. She was quite happy with the gift card idea (much to my surprise). Turns out it’s the thought that counts.

I also figured out that how we spend the time together is so much more important than when we spend time together.  I recently read a wonderful article about a caregiver who allowed herself to bend the rules a bit. Her Mom was in a nursing facility and in the later stages of dementia. She realized her Mom was not aware of the day or date, so she waited until the day after Christmas to celebrate the Holiday. The caregiver was able to spend a stress-free, loving day with her mom that wasn’t rushed or frantic. Her mother was delighted. It was a great Christmas. Decisions like these that that can be life-changing.

Delegate

Try and make a list of all the things you have to do. Take a good look at the list to see if you can come up with some creative ways to make those chores or schedules easier. Think outside of the box and outside of the pressure you are putting on yourself. Are there things you can eliminate completely because they are overkill and over functioning? Are there actions you can delegate to someone else? Is it all really necessary or could you do things in a way that makes it easier on you? Being perfect or making a perfect holiday is not possible. Striving for perfection is pointless and gets our knickers in a real twist. Let it go and realize that you don’t have to do 100 percent. 80 percent is just fine, thank you. Most people don’t do even 80 percent!

What other people think is none of your business.

Remember love is the greatest gift of all. Joy is found in those moments when you can be relaxed and present. It’s not about what other people think, or their idea of the holidays, or making outside appearances look terrific. It’s about good intentions, love, and self-love. Getting rest, eating properly, and letting everyone off the hook including yourself are the best holiday gifts you can give. Believe in the magic that everything will work out just fine and remember you deserve to enjoy the holidays and your loved ones. Accept help and support from those around you. Do the best you can to the best of your ability, then “let it go, let it go, let it go.”

May you have the healthiest and happiest of Holidays! Much love!