Caregiver: Speak up!

I had a dream about my Dad last night. We were in a doctors office and I was nervous and stressed because my Mom was agitated. I wasn’t getting a good response from the nurse about when we could see the doctor. Suddenly, I dropped a glass on the floor and it shattered all over. My Dad was laying on a couch and my Mom was across the room. I panicked because my Mom would not understand not to walk on it and I was scrambling to get something to clean it up. I told my Dad to make sure when he got up to walk to right and go back around the couch where there was no glass. He ignored me. I said “Dad do you hear me?” and he rolled his eyes. As I began to clean up the glass I confronted him and said that it was important that he take me seriously, answer me and not kid around. I woke up with a familiar feeling of frustration and flashed back to my time as my parent’s caregiver. There were quite a few conversations I had with both of my parents, especially my Dad, where I expressed my frustration and concern that I wasn’t being heard or acknowledged and how it made my job so much harder. Expressing my feelings was an important step towards good conversation. These conversations were always hard to begin with, but so necessary to not only keep the peace and keep us all safe and sound but keep us all on the same page. Once we talked about how we felt and what we needed, we were able to reach an understanding and it was easier to be open, respectful and considerate. Open communication is truly helpful. Over the years that I cared for my parents, I learned a few things about instigating good conversations so things didn’t get bottled up and cause issues, hurts and misunderstanding. Here are a few good suggestions I’d like to share.

1. Communicate earlier not later

Don’t wait until steam is coming out of your ears. If someone is doing something that makes me feel awful or that I am being disrespected or ignored, I need to nip it in the bud or at least express my concern about it. It’s will only get worse if I let it slide. Communicate now!

2. Do it calmly

Another reason to not wait for the pressure to build is that the soft, gentle approach filled with respect makes the whole situation a more positive experience. The outcome has a better chance of being a good one when I present my concerns without anger or resentment. So once I decide I need to discuss something I set a time in the near future but make sure I’m calm when approaching someone. The wait 24 hour rule works nicely here.

3. Keep it in the “I”

If instead of saying you do this and you do that, I only speak in terms of how I feel and what would make me more comfortable. I’m not blaming anyone else. Instead, I’m communicating how I feel and taking  responsibility by asking for what I need. Pointing a finger at someone else, or shaming and blaming the other party gets me nowhere. Good communication is a life saver. I always waited until I felt calm and pretty relaxed to talk to my parents about how we could improve our relationship and how we act around each other. When I did this, the outcome was usually pretty great. My Dad especially was usually open to hearing what I had to say and good at responding positively to it. I could share with him that I sometimes felt hurt when he would ignore me or tease me. He could then tell me that when I came into the apartment like gangbusters I startled them and made them feel anxious. These conversations helped tremendously and took our relationship to another level. So speak up. No one can read your mind. By letting others know how we feel and being open to discussion we are taking an enormous step towards being heard and understood. There is no better self care for a Caregiver Warrior.