Caregiving A Difficult Parent: How To Cope And Heal The Relationship.

When I say my Mom and I didn’t get along, I mean my Mom could crawl under my skin, push all my buttons and really tick me off. We were always on opposite sides of the story and disagreed about almost everything.

She was one tough cookie and I’m just like her in so many ways. We did not have a soothing comforting relationship. We fought like cats and dogs and I actually avoided being around her which just infuriated her more.

If you had told me when I was younger I would be her caregiver I would have looked at you like you were crazy. If you had then said it would be the most wonderful thing I ever did with my life I would have laughed out loud.

I had no idea how hard it would be.

Being a Caregiver Warrior to your parents is big thing. Really, really big. And that’s if you have what I call a “normal” healthy relationship with them. If your relationship is less than perfect or carries with it a history of choppy waters or baggage that weighs it down, it can greatly influence the degree of difficulty you experience as their caregiver. It makes a tough job tougher. It can make it almost unbearable.

My love for both of my parents influenced my decision to care for them. But it was my affection for my Dad and my sense of family that drove my commitment to do the job unconditionally and wholeheartedly.

My Mom did not want my help.

I knew it was going to be a choppy ride especially on days when my Mom told me to get out of her house and that she didn’t need my help. I discovered early on I had to re-think my life, the way I operated and the way I interacted with both of my parents.

If I was really going to give them service and care for them I had to commit to doing it without resentment or anxiety and get rid of any old baggage that kept me from being open and harmonious.

By changing myself I changed my relationship with my Mom.

I may sound like a choir of Angels flew down and surrounded me and all of a sudden my Mother and I were best friends.

In reality it was a painful, scary, frustrating process to find the undying love we had for each other and bring it to the surface. I had to clean up my side of the street, take long look at my own behavior and attitudes and try to find new ways to connect and communicate. I tried to take things less personally and be more forgiving.

If you are a Caregiver Warrior dealing with a difficult parent or a loved one and need some suggestions to make your bumpy ride smoother here’s some things I found truly helpful.

1. Ask: How important is it? I used to nit pick everything my Mom and I did and said and take all of it so seriously. Once I became my Mom’s caregiver and she started showing signs of dementia, I began asking myself, “How important is it?” What difference did it matter if she saw blue and I saw red. She was slipping away from me every minute. I was losing someone I loved. So I began to see what was really important and what was just noise and didn’t matter. The noise got thrown out the window.

2. Ask: Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? My Mom and I always fought for the last word. It was a pattern I had to change. I made a decision that I would rather be happy then try to have that last word or be right about everything. Happiness is so much more fulfilling. If you feel yourself being snarky or pushy ask yourself if you want to be right or if you want to be happy.

3. Don’t correct, don’t argue. What would the point of correcting or arguing with my Mom who had dementia? There is no point and it stopped me from being kind and loving. Who cares if she thinks she hasn’t seen me for a long time? I could soothe her and say I’m here now and distract her with pictures of my cat or a snack.

4. Watch your tone. This is a big one. The tone you use in conversation can be disturbing and demeaning and have nothing to do with what you are actually saying. It’s how you say it. Loved ones can sense your mood, frustration, resentment or irritation by the tone of your voice and it can frightened them and make them anxious. Be very, very mindful of your tone of voice. Speak with kindness and love in your voice

5. See your parent as human. I felt a huge shift in my relationship with my Mom one day when I caught her standing in front of a big calendar I had on the refrigerator door. She had her finger pointing to one of the entries and was staring at it transfixed. I knew she was trying to process what day it was, what the appointment was and what it meant for her. I also knew she was confused by it all and it was overwhelming and scary. My heart broke in that instant. My strong, organized power house of a Mom I butted heads with was gone and this sad stranger had taken her place. In a flash she became just another human being suffering from a devastating condition sent into a dark and painful world. I was flooded with a new sense of compassion and was able to tap into the deep love I had for my Mom. I began letting go of all the anger and resentment. I was able to see her in a new light as someone to hold on to and cherish as long I as I could becuase she was leaving me soon.

Taking care of my Mom was perhaps one the most life changing and precious gifts I received in my lifetime. Although challenging, the process I went through to heal my relationship with my Mom brought out the best in me, making me a better daughter. When I laid my Mom to rest I knew both of us were at peace. Not only with each other but ourselves as well. We learned all about the power of love and the way to find it within each other. Once it burns in the heart of one of us it catches fire in the other. Caregiving gave me the opportunity and space to learn this lesson from the most important person in my life, the one who gave life to me.

If you like this blog, you will love this one!

How I forgave my old Mom to take care of my new Mom

Dear Caregiver Warriors,

As one Caregiver Warrior to another, I offer advice, helpful tips, and strategies based on the experience, strength, and hope I found while surviving my own caregiving journey. It has become my mission to share my stories and the things I learned about being an empowered caregiver. To help spread the word and offer guidance to other caregivers, I have written a new book entitled “Self Care for Caregivers: a practical guide to caring for you while you care for your loved one.”  It’s available at your favorite bookstore. There is even a audio version so you can listen on the go! If you find the book everything you hoped for, please let me know and please leave a review where you purchased the book! Your feedback means the world to me!