Panic Attacks

Caregivers Journey

I had one of those 4am in the morning panic attacks today. I was worried about everything that had to get done in the coming hours. Like the pump for the boiler in the basement was broken and I couldn’t be home to meet the plumbers, like I needed to make calls to various doctors, like someone had said something to me that had me very upset, like I was up to my knees in alligators at my full one job. Over and over the obsessive thoughts went. I was doomed. Of course last night was one of those nights when I really needed a good nights rest. So not only was I freaking out in general I was freaking out because I just knew I would die without being truly rested. In the middle of all the crazy chatter in my head I told myself to try and observe what I did during the day to feel better so that I could do again it the next time I had a sleepless night and then a full busy day. I came up with an interesting conclusion that there is never one easy fix to this situation and that it is important to have lots of tools and tricks and to try all of them until I feel better. So here’s what I tried while laying in my bed and here’s some of my internal dialogue that got in my way… I tried going to my happy places in my mind (horseback riding with my friends, the time I galloped in the snow, the sunset when I was on vacation etc.) but that was a bust. I tried the serenity prayer. Not once but about 10 times. Meh. I tried positive logic like “Remember you’re having such an abundant time right now in your life. Everything is working out perfectly for you lately” but my head answered “Yeah right but that will change today because I’m so tired and my luck will run out.” Then I started obsessing about the person who said something mean and I began going over what I should have said… I tried breathing slowly but I was breaking out in a cold sweat and my heart was pumping. My cat was by me so I tried hugging him and let his purring soothe me (yes he lets me hug him). Nothing was working.¬†So I got up. Period. I just got up and started facing my day. The good news was that I had a head start since it was so early and as I organized things and got showered and then moved on to phone calls it got better. I tried to just do the next task in front of me and not listen to the tape in my head about how tired Ii was. I was just showing up. Things got accomplished and I made it though my day without dying or killing myself or someone else. The lesson here for me was that on this particular day and for this particular panic attack, taking action worked. That was the next right thing to do. I need to try and do the next right thing for myself one bad night or morning at a time. Different things work on different days. So often I end up feeling that this situation is permanent and it’s never going to get better. I need to remind myself that my panic is not the end of the world and it is normal to feel overwhelmed with all the stress and obligations I have. I must be kind to myself and accept my panic for what it is which is only a temporary state of mind and it will pass. No one ever said this too shall stay! It’s important to keep moving and not let my panic stop me from functioning. As for what the mean person said, I decided to forgive that person and just let it go. I had nothing to gain by re-visiting the conversation. I would be giving her power by holding on to it. In the long run it wasn’t so bad after all. The funny thing is that at the end of the day I actually felt good about myself for getting through it. Once again by showing up and doing my best even though I’m not perfect I actually did a good job, exhausted or not. Another Cargiver Warrior battle won!