Caregivers! Stop Stressing Yourself Out!

Caregiver Warrior

I am working on a book about surviving the caregiving journey. It’s based on the years I took care of my parents and is my personal take on how to survive that journey with grace and the ability to walk away feeling empowered. The theme that runs through the entire book so far is stress. Stress about the caregiving itself, stress about how we are perceived and stress about the stress.

Stress comes in many forms. The most interesting thing to me is not how we manage the stress, which is of course a very important subject but what actually causes some of the stress. I have come to the conclusion that quite often self doubt, second guessing ourselves and guilt can cause more stress than the actual situation itself. I’m speaking on behalf of myself of course but I have had conversations with many wonderful caregivers about self imposed stress. I continuously hear caregivers say they worry about the job they are doing, they worry about the decisions they make and they feel so guilty that they are not doing enough to help their loved ones. Obviously, the minute you head into the revolving door of the House of Caregiving, challenge and stress smack you right In the face. It’s part of the territory. Then the actual job itself brings with it overwhelming commitment and requires nerves of steel. The day to day challenges are usually hard hitting and made up of all sorts of frustrating, scary, annoying and exhausting details and responsibilities and that’s on a good day! Added to these inevitable struggles and experiences, the reality of being responsible for another human being who needs your help regardless of your relationship hits hard. It’s even more intense if those you care for are relatives.

We add to our own stress! All this stress is understandable and expected. What’s often not taken into account is the state of mind and heart of the caregiver once they have taken on the job. It becomes not just about the responsibilities but how we think we are handling the responsibilities. We begin the journey strong and confident but then almost immediately begin to worry about our abilities and limitations and start to judge ourselves mercilessly. This compounds the stress we experience from the expected and normal day to day concerns and fears. Beating ourselves up and second guessing every move we make feeds our inner critic. I can’t believe the conversation I have going in my own head sometimes. I’m questioning everything I do, worrying about how I do it and then feeling guilty I’m not doing enough anyway! I worry that I’m not doing a good job or that I don’t have the strength or courage to carry on. I get into a frenzy, get stuck in a future of despair and completely miss out on what’s happening in the present moment. I have added to my stress level a hundred fold.

Put the gun down! Fire the judge! Stop the dialogue! No one will ever say that caregiving is a walk in the park or that there will not be things that will hit you hard and low. I have never physically felt as bad or as sick as I did waiting for my Dad to come out of open heart surgery or as I did seeing my Mom in her rehab facility slumped over in a chair when I went to get her settled in her room. It sucks. Period. But what we do to ourselves in our own heads magnifies these situations and floods us with more grief and misery.

Caregivers need to lighten up. As Caregiver Warriors we need to be super aware of how much pressure we put on ourselves and fight that blue meanie in our heads. Here’s three things to do to keep the inner judge and critic at bay.

1. Listen to your inner dialogue. What are you saying to yourself? Are you questioning every move you make? Are you beating yourself up? Start to notice what goes on in your head. Awareness is the first step towards change.
2. Stop the negative inner thoughts. If you hear a lot of judgmental conversation in your head, acknowledge it and change the subject. You can actually say something like “Ok, enough of that, I’m just beating myself up again, I’m fine, what’s the next thing I have to do today?” I actually sometimes say “Stop!” and the picture a red stop sign.
3. Find and say some affirmations. Find some affirmations that you like and that ring true for you and then repeat them like a mantra over and over. Two of my favorites are “I love and approve of myself” and “I’m doing the best I can and my best is terrific!” Find some that work for you. You can search for some online or just make some up. The point of this exercise is to replace the crappy inner dialogue with a kind supportive conversation.

These simple actions will help you stop beating yourself up or at least break the pattern of self doubt and judgement. Thoughts are things and if we are constantly criticizing ourselves we are not only stressing ourselves out, we are making our life and our caregiving job so much more difficult. We may even be causing things to be more complicated because we are so wrapped up in negative thinking. Remember you are doing someone a great service by being a caregiver. Your loved ones are not alone, they are receiving great care, concern and love and you are doing the best you can to make their lives better. You are spending all of your time and energy insuring that someone else is safe, warm, comfortable and happy. You can’t mess that up! No matter what happens, you are making the world a better place one person at a time. That makes you a very special Caregiver Warrior miracle worker!