How to Find Balance When Taking on More Responsibility as a Caregiver

My Dad became exhausted from Caregiver burnout. The reality that he needed a helping hand caring for my Mom who was diagnosed with dementia became all too clear to me when I saw him so sick. When I asked him if he needed me to help him, he answered me quickly.

“Oh yes! That would be great!” he said. His enthusiasm caused me to respond immediately with “Ok Pop, you got it!”, even though I had no idea what “it” was. I would come to find out that “it” was the intense, complicated, world-class position of caregiver. The role would bring me to my knees, raise me to highs, bring me to lows, and leave me shaking in my boots for years to come. It would also end up being my life’s purpose and greatest achievement.

Caregiving was the hardest and best thing I’ve ever done in my life.

I stumbled through the first few months of caregiving and fluctuated between being a helicopter caregiver hovering over them constantly to being afraid to do or say anything to my Mom who was so angry about me trying to help! I was always working to find a good balance between the two.

As my Mom got worse and my Dad needed open heart surgery it was obvious that I had to take on new responsibilities. It was challenging, overwhelming, and quite honestly, very scary. This led to regrouping, changing schedules, shifting priorities, and trying to find ways to adapt so we could all get comfortable with me taking over more of their lives.

Taking on new responsibilties was challenging and overwhelming.

I’d love to share with you some of the things that worked for me as my parents became more dependent on me for their health and well-being. These strategies allowed me to offer more assistance in a way that made my mom and dad feel respected and included while reducing my feelings of guilt, anxiety, and sadness.

Easy does it.

When upping your caregiver support, test the waters slowly and gently whenever you can. I rushed in so hot and heavy when I first started that I freaked everyone out including myself! It helped us all settle into the new normal when I eased into a new level of care rather than plow through it. I needed to make changes, but I could try to make them calmly and gently rather than act like a drill Sergeant taking no prisoners.

Communicate, communicate, communicate.

Keep open lines of communication with the people you are caring for and other family members. Discuss everything often and consistently with everyone involved. Being open and talking with my family helped me avoid major disasters. When we all knew where we stood, how we felt, and what was going on daily, the surprise factor was eliminated and expectations were manageable. When it doubt, talk it out.

Prioritize you.

You deserve to make your well-being a priority. This includes maintaining physical health, mental well-being, and social connections. Treat yourself like the star you are. Take care of your body, heart, and soul, and stay connected with people, places, and things that support you and make you feel like a million bucks. It’s easier to think clearly and process the changes in the relationship when we feel rested, fulfilled, and supported.

Get help!

Join caregiver support groups, either online or in-person, to connect with others who are in similar situations. Reach out to people you trust. Consider finding a therapist who can guide you through your process. Knowing when and how to take on more caregiving responsibility can be worrisome and confusing. Get advice from someone who has been through it, or from someone you trust who can offer a new perspective. Sometimes we are so close to the situation that we can’t see the answers.

Build a team.

Identify key people who can support you, including family members, friends, neighbors, and professionals. As your caregiving role shifts and changes, it’s so easy to become overwhelmed. Have backup while you adjust and make the changes. Lean on these teammates when you feel like you are drowning. They have a life preserver they can throw you that can save your life.

Delegate.

Take a hard look at everything you do for your loved ones and pinpoint things that someone else could handle. There is always something you can let go of if you are honest about it! Then start to delegate those tasks and chores to people you trust. Start slow and once you see the sky doesn’t fall in when you let go of certain duties, you can begin to delegate more of them. Just make sure that once you do delegate, you don’t micromanage. Let your helpers bring their style to the tasks they take over as long as it’s safe, practical, and well-intended. If you trust them, trust them.

Try to be flexible. 

Change can be unnerving, Adding more responsibility and taking over new areas of care can wreak havoc on schedules, delicate relationships, and quality of care. The more we can accept change and try to be flexible, the faster we can adapt to our new normal. Change doesn’t always mean disaster and the less we fight it, the quicker we can find new ways to be comfortable in our new role.

Most importantly, be patient with yourself. Allow yourself time to adjust to the inevitable new demands of your caregiving role. It can be rough going, extremely uncomfortable, and difficult for everyone. Although this can be a trying time and we all would love a quick fix, in reality making this adjustment takes time and resolve. There is always a learning curve, and it’s okay to make mistakes and learn from them. There is no right or wrong way to navigate this process. Your best efforts will get you through to the other side of it. Remember it’s progress, not perfection.

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Facing the Monsters of the Future: How Caregivers Can Cope with the Unknown

Dear Caregiver Warriors,

As one Caregiver Warrior to another, I offer advice, helpful tips, and strategies based on the experience, strength, and hope I found while surviving my own caregiving journey. It has become my mission to share my stories and the things I learned about being an empowered caregiver. To help spread the word and offer guidance to other caregivers, I have written a new book entitled “Self Care for Caregivers: a practical guide to caring for you while you care for your loved one.”  It’s available at your favorite bookstore. There is even a audio version so you can listen on the go! If you find the book everything you hoped for, please let me know and please leave a review where you purchased the book! Your feedback means the world to me!